So you think shaking someone’s hand is the ultimate in courtesy? Maybe you’re right. But have your filthy paws considered this: this is an epidemic laden, 21st century.
Rumor has it the handshake originated back in the days of the Wild West as a way to prove you weren’t brandishing a weapon. At least not in your right hand. Southpaw, holstered, or maybe a blade tucked in your waistband? Another story altogether.
Back then if you were friendly enough to make out the identity of the burly man strolling up in his dust-covered jeans, dark brown flannel, and Stetson—looking not unlike every other man in the town—you’d have no need to touch limbs. No handshake needed to prove weaponless, because, let’s be honest, each cowboy knew the other was carrying; both knew the other knew they were carrying; and they each knew the other knew that they knew they were both carrying. Layers upon layers of a thought process that led directly to cowboys being the premier poker players for the next century.
The full extent of the greeting would then transition to wads of tobacco-filled saliva, seemingly larger than the confines of the mouths from which they were expelled, meeting in the socially-distanced space between them. In fact, the initial handshake between two men commencing their first ever meeting would be the only time the two need ever touch skin-to-skin. Save, of course, the knuckle-to-cartilage result of a full house trumping a spade flush, when drunkenly convinced cheating was afoot.
This was also the era of a physician’s credibility increasing proportionally with the amount of blood splattered and caked on his—back then it was never a her—long, white coat. Then, in 1847, Ignaz Semmelweis proved that handwashing would decrease infections and death rates among baby-mommas. Even so, physicians refused to admit that handwashing was anything more than a cosmetic faux pas. Many men exiting a restroom—even in 2020—seem to agree with the consensus of these pre-microbe era doctors. Too many fellas seem convinced their penis is so clean as to be approaching the realm of godliness, despite being constantly hot-boxed under at least two layers of cotton, polyester, or denim.
So sure, go right ahead and shake that microbe-ladened hand. How else will you find out if that corporate big-wig being shuffled through his company of riff-raff on the yearly trek of glad-handing is brandishing a weapon. I’m sure he’s putting a high six-figure salary on the line in blatant violation of the mandate on the front door reading: This is a Weapon Free Zone.
Big-boss man is brandishing a much more deadly weapon, however. Billions of unseen bacteria and viruses intermingle between every one of your co-workers who previous shook the good intentioned hand that’s now extended toward you. Among those hands are that of the ass-hat two cubicles over—the one who wears socks and sandals because of his bunions— whose embarrassing fashion choice you see daily in the stall next to you during your post-lunch BM. He exits the restroom before you, without so much as a drip ever escaping the faucet.
It’s the way of the business world, though (the hand shaking, not the sandals). Will the big-boss man label you as inconsiderate, rude, or not a team player if you refuse his hand? The same person that won’t touch a doorknob with their bare hand, has no problem glad-handing their boss’s even filthier hand. It makes no sense! Therein lies the conundrum those revolver toting Westerners of yore left us with two centuries later. Humans, after all, tend to hold onto many outdated, often questionable, sometimes dangerous practices for far too long. We reconsider our long indoctrinated ways only during and immediately after a major societal changing event like—oh, I don’t know—an 8 month long pandemic that doesn’t show signs of abating anytime soon.
This brings us to the traditional bow that many Asian cultures still use today. Little known fact (i.e., I’m completely making this up!), bowing began as an offshoot of cowboys spitting as they greeted one another. To minimize the distance from their mouths to the ground during times of heavy winds, cowboys often took to leaning forward at the waist. Eastern culture’s fascination with Spaghetti Westerns soon incorporated this quirk into their culture. Over time the adaptation to remove the saliva completely from the equation allowed for a more cleanly indoor environment, ultimately spawning the Asian indoor slipper market. I’m partial to moccasins (that’s factual), but the real spark of genius we should mimic from this fable is the lack of physical contact the bow allows. In the right environment, even the chest bump could be deemed appropriate. Anything but a filthy handshake.
If ever you feel a cultural norm is unreasonable, you should not blindly follow it. Search for the reasoning behind the action, seize upon a better, safer alternative and share it with the world. Years before the pandemic I was already staunchly against hand shaking. At one point I tried to convince my wife to let me to get a super realistic tattoo of a bloody, seeping wound on my right palm just so I had an excuse to not shake hands. Nobody in their right mind would want to touch that. My wife also made abundantly clear that “Nobody in their right [expletive] mind would want that [expletive] tattoo.” Ultimately, I didn’t need to make my palm appear disfigured as a response to my handshaking disdain. Fortunately, COVID-19 did most of the dirty work for me. Unfortunately, it proposed the footshake as a substitute, so we still have some work to do.
So, you still think shaking hands is a greeting that will persist long after this pandemic is a thing of the past? If the story of Ignaz Semmelweis (seriously, look him up!) is any indication, changing the minds of even a small number of pretentious elite requires far more than meager proof. A culture change of billions of people may very well take more than a tiny microbe. The shunning of an extended palm will not easily become the norm, but rather continue to be viewed as a cultural faux pas. It seems we are still far too concerned with damaging our social and business lives, than we are our much more precious biological lives. So, I guess, yeah, come to think of it . . . You’re Probably Right.
[017] November 04, 2020