Ned’s 2020 Adventures
December 22-23, 2020
December 22, 2020
Perhaps believing he is now endowed with the speed of a Greyhound, or the dock diving success of a Whippet, Ned seems to take a leap into the sport of long jump. A jump of 2’ 2” may not sound like more than a shuffling step even to a toddler, but is considerable for an elf standing in the neighborhood of only 11.5 inches. As it turns out, though, Ned was merely doing research on Santa’s behalf. The Purveyor of Presents becomes the Dawdling Deliverer after the night’s first 1,750,000 or so cookies. This is why the North Pole Travel Agency is constantly looking for methods to speed up Santa’s travel. Ned is currently testing the legitimacy of the rumor that you can dig your way to China.
December 23, 2020
Ned’s Christmas Eve-Eve reading of The Christmas Puppy is poorly attended. He’s reminded of last year, having to recite The Christmas Kitty under a purrfectly empty tree to fulfill his contractual obligation. “The show must go on” is a mantra at the North Pole—and Santa asks nothing of his elves that he doesn’t also expect from himself. Santa has never missed his Christmas morning deliveries. His perfect record remains intact despite such maladies as the hangnail of 92 AD, his torn belt loop in 1543, and the recent diarrhea fiasco of 2012. Santa even delivered during the pandemic of 1918, so he sure isn’t going to let COVID stop the show in 2020. After the reading, Ned realizes he wrote 8:00 PM—Under the Christmas Tree* on last week’s mailing. As was the case last year, he failed to reference the asterisk with the footnote: *The Small Tree in the Study.