Ned’s 2020 Adventures
December 1-3, 2020
December 1, 2020
Always one to make an entrance, Ned arrives on his skis of pasta. Or so he’d lead us to believe. Turns out he’s exploring marketing ploys for his new delivery service to compete with GrubHub, DoorDash, Uber Eats, and the like. We’ve learned a few things over the past three Decembers that Ned’s been with us—primarily that ambition is not lacking in this elf. Execution, on the contrary, seems as far afoot as the North Pole is to Ned’s seasonal home of Columbus, OH. But maybe things are looking up for him—we did eat our pasta for dinner.
December 2, 2020
Thinking of expansion into the HelloFresh and Blue Apron arenas, Ned explores what he believes to be an aerial herb garden. His excitement quickly turns to disappointment upon discovering the plant is artificial. Disappointment merges into a combo of confusion and rage as Ned notices the lack of a Christmas tree—an offense verging on criminal for a native North Poler. Santa keeps a tree year-round, employing elves whose sole duty is to scour Northern Canada for a new tree each week. For centuries, Santa was partial to trees of the Tunguska River area. Since the middle of 1908, though, the area has not been mentioned—let alone visited—for fear of the explosive truth of the event emerging. Ned fancies himself a wise ol’ owl as he passive-aggressively recommends the open space below him as perfect for a tree. We let him believe that wasn’t already our plan.
December 3, 2020
When Ned overhears we are on our way to gather our Christmas tree, he decides to crack open some light reading. Perhaps he assumes the search for the perfect tree is always a multiday affair because of those slacker elves following Parkinson’s Law—“work expands to fill the time allotted for its completion.” Or maybe Ned’s just heard about Phoebe’s time-intensive tree-choosing methods. Either way, Ned figures he can make a decent dent in Infinite Jest. Then he’d be able to wear his “Oh, no! Another week’s gone by and I still haven’t read Infinite Jest!” T-shirt ironically, instead of with the sense of guilt unintentionally inflicted on him over a decade ago by Santa’s gift.