So you think the old mantra your momma told you, “Don’t add insult to injury,” is a good motto for how to conduct yourself? Maybe you’re right. But, as we will discover, timing is everything.
“Yo momma’s so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. Get it? The second around is a synonym of circumference. Ahh, word play. How ‘bout this one: “Yo momma’s so fat, I’m diagnosing her with diabetes that’s likely to cause vision and kidney problems, osteoporosis, lead to amputated limbs, and a plethora of other maladies, ultimately leading to an early death via cardiovascular disease if fatty over there doesn’t stay away from the damn cheesecake!” Now that’s an insult.
Perhaps the ER doctor should have delivered the diagnosis directly to the patient, rather than speaking to her offspring as if the elephant wasn’t in the room. Still, it’s good he didn’t beat around the bush with either his diagnosis or recommendation. He’s not worrying about hurting momma’s feelings. Granted, he may have gone a bit overboard—verging on blatant disrespect—but if you can supply information that someone can use to better themselves, deliver it ASAP.
Just rip off the Band-Aid. (Or if you read last week’s argument—adhesive bandage.)
Without knowing the dear momma we speak of, we can’t be sure how much of her obesity is due to lifestyle and what’s due to genetics. We need to invent some sort of instrument that can take a single drop of blood and instantly determine where the blame lies. Is the diabetes momma’s fault (poor diet, lack of exercise, excessive alcohol consumption, smoking, etc.), or is there nothing she could have done about it? I imagine Stephen Hawking’s computerized voice spewing insults from the medical device: “Can you even spell ‘Exercise’ fatty?” or “Might as well just keep puffin’ at this point, Champ.” Along with a few non-accusatory sayings: “No one to blame but Mom & Pop” or “You won the wrong damn lottery, Honey.” I already have the perfect name for it: Magic Disease St8-Ball.
Here’s the reality, though. When someone receives seriously bad news, whatever is said to them right afterward is usually not going to be heard. Imagine an oncologist saying, “It’s cancer.” The remainder of what he says will sound something like this: “Blah blah blah . . . cancer . . . blah, blah . . . so sorry, blah . . . cancer cancer cancer . . . blah blah cancer.” Life-altering bad news like this doesn’t exactly prime someone to listen to the intricacies and details that immediately follow. The mind narrows it’s focus, blocking everything out but those 6 scary letters.
Same thing right after someone falls off a ladder, pain radiating from their compound ulna fracture. What better time than this to add insult to injury with a quick I-told-you-so speech. They probably won’t hear what you have to say anyway, their focus shifting to the pain of the bone penetrating through their skin. If it’s something you truly need them to hear, you can always say it again later. If however, they later bring up a disparaging remark you made, you can turn the tables on them, claiming they were in shock and must have been hearing voices. After all, you never would have said something so vile.
But you would. And you did. And you shouldn’t regret it. Get it off your chest when it’ll do the least harm to them and the most benefit to your mental wellbeing. Of course, there’s always the alternative option. Pen a scathing handwritten letter detailing all the insults you want to dispense. Fold it into an envelope complete with address, and stick a stamp up there in the corner. Then torch it. Watch as your feelings burn away along with $0.55 worth of postage. That may be a common stress relieving exercise recommended by psychologists in lieu of vocalizing your feelings, but not nearly as satisfying.
Come on Brad, you ask, didn’t your mother ever teach you, “If you don’t have something nice to say, keep your damn mouth shut”? I’m assuming she did (check the Comments below; she’ll let us know for sure), but I have a rather poor memory when it comes to things like that.
Let’s try on another example and see if it fits. It’s your wife’s first day back to work post-maternity leave. Should you inform her that the outfit she’s planning to leave the house in makes her look like there might just be a twin that hasn’t yet made his exit. She’s already suffering from postpartum depression, might as well add that little insult to save her the pitying stares of everyone at the office.
It used to be that court jesters were the only ones who could speak the truth to the King, Queen, or Pharaoh without worrying about, literally, losing their head (like the fella in the last paragraph may well have). Jesters provided entertainment, thus it was understood that what they said was meaningless, said only in jest. It was also understood by all parties that what the court jesters said was quite meaningful and perfectly true. Things can be two things. This was the only method for the peasants to express their feelings to their leader(s) while keeping all their limbs. Simultaneously, it allowed monarchs to get the message without feeling they had no choice but to order the wielding of that axe.
Today we have celebrity roasts. Organize your own roast for your next birthday celebration. Prepare to hear your friend’s court jester-esque truths. Also be prepared to get new friends because you may not be happy with what your current ones have to say.
So, you still think avoiding adding insult to injury is the best approach to an honest two-way dialogue? Let’s focus on the communication divide between spouses. He wants solutions to his problems. She wants to vent and be reassured. Trouble occurs when he points out and tries to fix her mistakes, or when she sympathizes with his errors without offering a solution. But they share common ground of neither wanting to be put on trial by jury for their errors. For the sake of a happy marriage, it’s best to address your spouse’s problems in their preferred manner, without adding insult. So, I guess, yeah, come to think of it . . . You’re Probably Right.
[030] February 03, 2021