Ned’s 2019 Adventures
December 14, 2019
Two weeks into the festive holiday season, Ned weighs himself as he has every two weeks for nearly three decades. As stipulated by the ancient Official Elfin Handbook, “…elves in the employ of Mr. Clause [sic] must maintain a weight—to be obtained biweekly—not greater than one standard deviation from the mean weight of the two elves proximal to the median elf of mode age… .” Prior to these last three decades, Ned had been weighing himself twice weekly, unaware that biweekly has two meanings. No consensus among Santa’s legal teams the last 232 years has been reached concerning the original intent of the 39 signers of the document, thus no sanctions have yet been taken against 4.2 pound, Markus J. Regardless, Ned likes to keep his “Hat Weight” under 30 pounds as a matter of personal preference.