So you think nobody should be able to force you to wear a mask in public? Maybe you’re right. But consider, if you would, your reaction to a 400 lb man walking nude through your local Whole Foods, bending at the waist to gather two bags of Epsom salts from the bottom row. One bag for his painful, swollen feet, the other for his crippling constipation. The ol’ “Don’t picture a purple elephant.” You can’t not see it.
First off . . . Whole Foods? Give Trader Joe’s a go. Invest the savings for retirement.
Secondly, the public health concerns of our 380 pound hero in only his birthday suit, is rather obvious (we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that 20 lbs are feces; but who’s keeping score). Sweating from every pore, he strolls the isles, scratching here and there, touching item after item, passing gas, more or less, with every step. Better he be constipated than flowing free with diarrhea, but—. Alright, alright, sorry. Enough with the John Doughboy description.
If we legally require him to wear clothing in public, we need to make the same requirements for everyone. Sorry folks, that includes people like Ryan Reynolds and Jennifer Aniston—two of many we probably wouldn’t mind seeing nude in the produce section, checking the ripeness of a couple mangos.
Lucky mangos. Sorry, what’s this argument about? Masks, yeah yeah, that’s right, wearing masks. Facial coverings that are not of N95 or comparable medical-grade protection are worn by the general public primarily to protect those around us, from us. To a lesser degree, they also help decrease your chance of inhaling those pesky little, life-endangering microbes.
Sure, Mr. Doughboy wears legally required clothing over his personal bits when shopping to protect his own meatballs as he grabs a box of pigs-in-a-blanket from the rear of the freezer. But his cutoff denim also protects the grocery store’s bottom line because, as we all know, people statistically spend more money on food when they’re hungry. And there’s no quicker way for someone to lose said appetite than the sight of that orange stuff (you know, that goop elementary school janitors used to soak up vomit on a daily basis) dotting the store’s floor.
Wearing a mask protects the people around you from coming into contact with any orally shedded viruses that you may, as an asymptomatic carrier, unknowingly spread. Even if you somehow just got a negative result from a test so sensitive that it could detect even a single viral particle with 100% accuracy just before you stepped out of your car, you still need to wear a mask. If you’re not wearing a mask, other people can’t be forced to wear a mask, and we’re back to virus-spreading square one.
We have long taken clothing requirements for granted. Ultimately, the mouth/nose is simply another area of our bodies we must now cover for public health reasons. One we may eventually give equal importance to covering up as we currently do our sexy bits.
Thirdly . . . is that even a word? Third off, did you catch what I did in that “Secondly” paragraph? Score . . . 20 . . . ? Wordplay, my friend. Better get used to that, and some funkyass use of punctuation, ‘cause I’m a big fan!
Conservatives and liberals alike often bellow about one of our great nation’s founding documents: The Constitution. That very Constitution that prescribes a plethora of freedoms was written by men (no XX chromosomes allowed; all men . . . oh, and no black men, no Native American men, or [insert color here] men; just white men, the whole lot)— men who didn’t even know what a virus was. I am certainly no expert regarding this frail document—some 233 years old—interpreted out the wazoo ever since ol’ Johnny Hancock monopolized its signature line.
Surely, though, these old-timers never could have imagined in the depths of their likely sexist, definitely racist minds that 21st century Americans would be applying their handwritten words (they didn’t even have typewriters!) to something unseeable to the naked eye. So please don’t hide behind, “I have rights . . . Constitution . . . blah, blah, blah.” Regardless of any interpretations of Constitutional freedoms afforded you to not be forced to wear a face mask— or any clothing, for that matter—you should reasonably acquiesce said freedoms to the safety of the masses. Public health takes precedent.
Many businesses and institutions are already mandating masks be worn. I’m going to hang my toes over the edge and predict (imagine trumpet sound: “Hear ye, hear ye! All gathered . . .”) that face coverings will eventually become legally required for forays into public life. To what extent, though, I do not wish to hazard a guess. I say eventually, because enacting any law by a non-Presidential decree, takes so G.D. long. The likelihood of reprieve from bills becoming law in this what-have-you-done-for-me-lately, ADD culture of America, is quite high. If our Coronavirus friend up and disappears like Lindsay Lohan’s career (remember her?), bills may stall along the snail’s crawl of Congressional plodding, changing focus to the crisis de jour. But for the foreseeable future, I suggest you get used to the smell of your own breath.
Here are two further predictions while I’m at it. (1) Face masks will become the new rearview mirror accoutrement, finally supplanting the tired pine tree air freshener. As a bonus, UV light would help kill any viruses on the masks between uses. (2) With extended public concealment, the mouth/nose/chin area will become a new erogenous zone. Thus, Pornhub will start a new Face Mask Category, with sub-categories: N95, Cloth, Bandana, Face Shield, and the surprisingly sexy in its mysteriousness, Other. [Author’s note: These may already exist; I haven’t done the research.]
So, you still think you shouldn’t be forced to wear a mask in public? Change is tough; I get it. And those masks are so damn tough to breathe in. Moreover, who wouldn’t mind a chance encounter with a couple mangos during their next visit to the produce section? So, I guess, yeah, come to think of it . . . You’re Probably Right.
[001] July 22, 2020